Children’s self-esteem has been an important subject among parents and professionals working with children and families for many years. Developing positive self-esteem for our children means helping them see themselves as having strong value and worth. Children with high self-esteem have greater respect for themselves, are more confident and competent, and are more likely to view difficulties as challenges rather than obstacles. Research has shown that children with high self-esteem are better able to resist peer pressure and risky or destructive behavior and are better able to establish healthy, satisfying relationships with others. It is no surprise that raising children who have high self-esteem, tops many parents priority lists.

And yet, many child development experts are now worried that, as a society, we have taken our efforts in building self-esteem to such an extreme, that in fact we are not helping our children. Parents, teachers and others have often translated helping children feel good about themselves into helping children feel special and unique, different from and to a degree better than their peers. Additionally the use of praise, by many parents and teachers, has become excessive. This has made many children dependent upon praise, while for many others, it has made praise meaningless and unbelievable. Children who are dependent upon or oblivious to praise are in fact avoiding difficult challenges, losing interest in activities faster, and feeling less confident about their abilities.

So, how can we as parents develop our children’s self-esteem in positive and productive ways?  Here are some suggestions from experts:

1. Praise less, but praise more authentically, suggests Dr. Ron Taffel, a child and family therapist and well-known parenting author. Praise a child when the effort truly warrants it, he advises and be specific about praising the efforts of the child, not simply the accomplishment. For example, “You worked for a long time on that puzzle and didn’t quit when it got really hard” rather than “Wow, you did a great job doing that puzzle”.
2. Stop saying, “Good Job”, or at least say it less often says education and human behavior specialist Alfie Kohn. These words have become so overused that they are ineffective. Instead ask questions about what the child is doing or tell what you are seeing, without judgment. Remember the goal is that children be motivated to venture further. We don’t want to distract this by encouraging them to seek out the next compliment.
3. Allow children to make mistakes, notes Dr. Bob Brooks, an expert in the fields of self-esteem, resilience and motivation. Parents often want to protect their children from failure, yet research shows that children who learn to handle the disappointment and set backs that making mistakes offer, actually are better risk takers and more confident learners.
4. Help children experience mastery of skills, recommends psychologist, Dr. Martin Seligman. Children need to experience success at gaining new skills in order to become self-driven and motivated. He notes that breaking difficult tasks into manageable steps is an important role parents take in this process.
5. Help children find connections, urges child and adult psychologist Edward (Ned) Hallowell. Encouraging our children to make strong connections to others (individually and in groups) allows for the development of a sense of belonging and a commitment to others. This creates an internal and intrinsic sense of importance to others and an understanding that our contributions have impact. This is what underlies our goals for developing strong self-esteem and relationship building.
6. Set appropriate limits, reminds world renowned pediatrician Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and child psychiatrist Dr. Stanley Greenspan. When parents have appropriate expectations for their children; set limits which help children meet these expectations; and use suitable consequences, their children develop self-control. When children have self-control, they receive more natural positive feedback for their behavior. They also have a more realistic definition of themselves and thus a truer sense of self-worth.
7. Give children responsibility, encourages Elizabeth Crary, parent educator. Children naturally learn a sense of value and contribution when they are given responsibility. Working hard at a task and helping others encourage children’s motivation and self-esteem.
8. Teach children gratitude, advises Dr. Ron Taffel, child and family therapist and parenting educator. Just as we now often praise too much, we also allow our own generosity and kindness to go unnoticed and unappreciated. This is often to try to avoid children acting out of guilt notes Taffel, but there is a middle ground. Modeling gratitude and appreciation are effective methods parents should use to encourage this connectedness.