In my last column as Executive Director of Families First, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite parenting tips - with the caveat that written words are just that.  The real power of what Families First does is the give-and-take, back-and-forth meshing of our words with your situations so that together we figure out what will produce positive and satisfying results in your family.  Although there are no universal answers in parenting, I do believe there are some general principles and skills that can help us all.

First, know that your children love you and want to please you.  It's hard for parents to believe this when children kick, scream, say, "I hate you," and behave in ways that are hostile and aggressive.  But we parents too, sometimes scream, threaten, say mean things and behave in angry and hostile ways, and we surely love our children.  Children behave this way because they don't know how else to get across the strength of their feelings; it never means that they don't want and need your love, support and acceptance.

The closest thing we have to a silver bullet in parenting is the capacity to listen to and acknowledge children's feelings and messages.  "I'm going to shoot you in the head, Mommy," says four-year-old Kevin as his mother tells him for the twentieth time to stop playing and get moving.  The temptation to say, "Don't talk to me like that" is great, but Kevin will move a lot faster if you can acknowledge his feelings instead of venting yours: "You're really mad at me for bossing you, Kevin.  You don't like it when I rush around in the morning and make you hurry up."

Give clear messages about unacceptable behavior.  While all feelings are acceptable, all behavior is not.  Hitting, kicking, screaming, throwing food and toys, putting down siblings are all examples of behavior that should be stopped immediately.  In the moment, restate your rule:  "Oh oh.  You forgot.  There's no throwing food."   Then remove the child, the food or yourself, so the child knows that you are serious.  After the fact and out of the heat of the moment, you can replay the scene and make a plan for different behavior the next time.  "You were mad at me for not giving you another cookie, so you threw your plate on the floor.  That's not okay."  Then figure out with her what she can do or say instead the next time she feels that way.

Preparation is key.  If we can anticipate where problem areas are likely to be, we can prepare ourselves and our children for what's going to happen and what our expectations are.  This holds true for special as well as everyday activities.  "We'll be spending a week away together and we're scared to death," confessed the parents of a 14-going-on-17-year-old daughter.  They decided to prepare by sharing one thing that each person in the family hoped to do during the time away.  Dad wanted to go bike riding with his daughter.  To his great surprise, she liked the idea.  That warmed the atmosphere and allowed conversation and more open and calm discussion about rules and expectations.

Separate your own needs and agenda from your children's.  Give children appropriate power.  The parents of four children were extremely annoyed at the oldest child for "ruining everything for the family."  These parents treasured group time as a family, choosing to bike, hike and camp during their weekends as the vehicles for being together.  Everyone loved it except their eldest son.  Once his parents understood why he resisted these activities (because he felt pushed and misunderstood), they allowed him to choose not to participate.  Most important they stopped judging and criticizing him.  To their surprise and pleasure, he became more participatory while they began to notice and appreciate his unique contributions to the family.

Do the best you can today and the future will take care of itself.  Too often we make demands on our children and ourselves because we're worried about the future.  Yet we can't predict the future; we only know today.  It doesn't make sense to insist that a three-year-old learn to sit still for an hour because he will have to do that in kindergarten.  It doesn't make sense to fight with your child about continuing certain extra curricula activities only because you worry that she will learn to be a quitter.  If children have positive, loving and accepting experiences today, they will have the inner tools and resources to make good decisions and cope with adversity later in life.

I could go on and on.  A picture that hangs in my office says, "I give advice to anyone... anywhere... anytime... all the time."   I look forward to continuing to do that, even as I change my hat and no longer serve as Executive Director of Families First Parenting Programs.  As always, I wish you the best in your efforts to create a satisfying family life and to raise children who become emotionally healthy and productive adults.